At first I thought it wouldn't be so hard since my mum would be taking care of her while I was at work, and she was used to my mom, its not like I was leaving her with strangers. Then I called during the day to see how she was doing and my sister said she wasn't settling down and then she put the phone to her ears so I could speak to her and she started to cry and fuss and my heart just broke! Tears welled up and I tried really hard to hold them back as I was in work. I felt so bad. Like how could I do this to my child. Then when got home Monday I talked to her a bit and said I would change my clothes then play with her and she began to frown and twist her little mouthy like she wanted to cry. At that point I had to pick her up and had to hold back even more tears. Then to make matters worse. I had a bunch of things to do and didn't even get to spend any time with her except for breastfeeding her. I felt horrible.
Tuesday morning I so wanted to cry when I had to leave her because I didn't want her to be sad again. However, I left while she was asleep and when I called my mom during the day she said she was doing better and playing like normal. I felt better inside, not like I was a bad mom. This time when she asked me if I wanted to speak to my baby I said no, because I knew that I would cry. Anyways, I got home and fed her and she slept most of the time so I hardly got to spend any time with her again.
Today was even better since I knew she was adjusting to not having me around all day. However, I find myself contemplating whether or not to resign my job tomorrow! I'm working full time for only 2 weeks, however, it seems harder than I thought it would be. And its not just the sleep deprivation and tiredness. I miss my baby so much. Even when I'm home I can't just spend all my time with her because I have to do other things, so this evening when my sister asked me if I wanted her to take her from me so I could go bathe and sterilize bottles, I really wanted to say no. I wanted to tell her that I want to cuddle my baby until she falls asleep on me and play with her hair and watch her sleep, but I couldn't. I had to give her to my sister because I had all these other things to do. Its not that I don't trust my mum and sister to take care of her but I just don't think that they will do everything like I do. Like sterilizing her bottles...I came home this evening and found her bottles floating on the sterilizing solution when it should be filled and have no bubbles at all. Its the things like these that make me question whether or not its worth going back to work or whether I should stay home and take care of her like I want to.
1 comment:
The mechanics of parenthood doesn't seem too right in this "modern" world. Do we have children for our parents? I still know and see the virtue in the mother being at home with her child, but financial considerations have closed that door. What a loss for both parent and child! Grandparents should be an option, not a rule; as they never complain, but it is not fair to them.
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