Back to the Grind leaving Baby home

Going back out to work Monday was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I'd never left her with anyone before, I would take her with me anywhere I had to go, so I could imagine the shock that she was in when she woke up and I wasn't there. Poor baby, she seemed a bit traumatized my mum said.

At first I thought it wouldn't be so hard since my mum would be taking care of her while I was at work, and she was used to my mom, its not like I was leaving her with strangers. Then I called during the day to see how she was doing and my sister said she wasn't settling down and then she put the phone to her ears so I could speak to her and she started to cry and fuss and my heart just broke! Tears welled up and I tried really hard to hold them back as I was in work. I felt so bad. Like how could I do this to my child. Then when got home Monday I talked to her a bit and said I would change my clothes then play with her and she began to frown and twist her little mouthy like she wanted to cry. At that point I had to pick her up and had to hold back even more tears. Then to make matters worse. I had a bunch of things to do and didn't even get to spend any time with her except for breastfeeding her. I felt horrible.

Tuesday morning I so wanted to cry when I had to leave her because I didn't want her to be sad again. However, I left while she was asleep and when I called my mom during the day she said she was doing better and playing like normal. I felt better inside, not like I was a bad mom. This time when she asked me if I wanted to speak to my baby I said no, because I knew that I would cry. Anyways, I got home and fed her and she slept most of the time so I hardly got to spend any time with her again.

Today was even better since I knew she was adjusting to not having me around all day. However, I find myself contemplating whether or not to resign my job tomorrow! I'm working full time for only 2 weeks, however, it seems harder than I thought it would be. And its not just the sleep deprivation and tiredness. I miss my baby so much. Even when I'm home I can't just spend all my time with her because I have to do other things, so this evening when my sister asked me if I wanted her to take her from me so I could go bathe and sterilize bottles, I really wanted to say no. I wanted to tell her that I want to cuddle my baby until she falls asleep on me and play with her hair and watch her sleep, but I couldn't. I had to give her to my sister because I had all these other things to do. Its not that I don't trust my mum and sister to take care of her but I just don't think that they will do everything like I do. Like sterilizing her bottles...I came home this evening and found her bottles floating on the sterilizing solution when it should be filled and have no bubbles at all. Its the things like these that make me question whether or not its worth going back to work or whether I should stay home and take care of her like I want to.

How do I leave her again in the morning?

Our Prayers are with you Haiti

At this time we need to send out our prayers to Haiti's people affected by this horrible disaster, especially the innocent and defenseless children. Can we even begin to imagine the conditions they are living under right now? Whatever aid they are receiving right now cannot even start to help with their immediate needs.

I urge everyone to give as much help and support as you can in whichever way you can, but above all, keep praying and have faith. Pray especially for those two American girls who are taking care of 150 orphaned children, mainly babies and trying to get them out of Haiti because their building was damaged by the earthquake. I prayer for the Lord to protect those babies as they sleep outside the building tonight on mattresses on the floor. Send your angels to watch over them as they sleep lord. Strenthgen Jamie and Ali McMutrie and give them the courage to do what is necessary for these kids. Please quicken the efforts to fly them out of Haiti with your miracles.

Keep watch over Haiti Lord, for they need you now more than ever.

Living with PCOS

 Now that you all know my present, let me tell you a bit about my past...

I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) about three years ago, and boy was it a rough three years. Before I was diagnosed, I presented with symptoms similar to PMDD and was treated for such. Then they worsened, first there was depression which got progressively worse, then anxiety attacks. It was so bad that I would be depressed for the majority of the month and it began to affect my work. I felt like I had no purpose and motivation to do anything at work. I was sad all the time and would accuse my boyfriend at the time (now my loving husband) of not being there for me, it was pulling me away from him. It was like that every month, I would blow small issues out of proportion and break down and cry and cry and I was a mess. I felt like I had no life in me and I hated it because I was always such a happy and cheerful person. It was an awful time for me and my boyfriend too I would imagine. Thank God he had the patience to bear with me.

It was so bad that I physically and emotionally couldn't bear it anymore and realized that something wasn't right. So I went to my GP who told me to get an ultrasound which showed the ever popular ring of cysts in my ovaries. Finally, I found out what was wrong! I was treated again with birth control pills, which helped tremendously with my symptoms. I felt like I had my life back again and was actually happy with no depression and no severe pain with my cycle. However, after a year and a half of using Yaz my blood pressure started going up due to stress at work. My doctor, worried, said that I had to stop taking the birth control pills...this was the worst news ever since I couldn't imagine going back to my life like it was.

It was then that I decided to get pregnant since its supposed to help with PCOS and I was willing to do anything to not have to go back to the depression and anxiety attacks. And in the first month after I stopped using Yaz, I got pregnant! It was unbelievable and I was absolutely excited. I couldn't wait for the adventure that lay ahead.

Now, 11 weeks after she was born, my symptoms haven't returned thus far and I am able to enjoy my beautiful baby and be myself with her. I must say, I was afraid that perhaps the depression would return and I wouldn't be able to love and treasure her like I would want to. Luckily, my doc says that I don't have to worry about it as long as I am breast feeding and am due to see him December 2010 to see the cysts' progression. Hopefully they won't be there...keeping my fingers crossed...

My precious baby girl

I've always loved babies, they are the most precious thing on earth and I wanted a baby really badly for quite a while, then my wish came through.

She is now 11 weeks old and everything I thought she would be and more. I'm amazed by her everyday, her gorgeous smiles and laughs and her baby talks...they're the cutest ever. She is absolutely the most beautiful baby in every way, I love her bright and pretty eyes...the way she looks at me all lovingly when I'm nursing her. Now she quarrels when someone bugs her and she doesn't like it...and she's just 11 weeks old, what a personality she's got! She does this very cute sucking thing with her lips when she's sleeping as if she's still drinking and she has a particular way she purses her lips when she's pooping...she really is amazing.

I find myself taking tonnes of photos of her and making lots of videos. I don't want to forget her like this I guess, they grow up so fast...sigh. I don't want to miss a moment of her growing up, which is why I opted to work from home doing something less stressful than working full-time and being stressed like I used to be. I believe that my baby's precious moments are more valuable than any full-time job. Also, I plan to breastfeed for the first year of her life and doing that and working could be a little stressful on its own.

Looking into the future I hope I can love her and take care of her and teach her the way my mom did with me. I really want to protect her from the world and give her all the love she needs and more (that's where the paranoia sets in...lol). I know she'll be okay...I know we'll be okay, just have to enjoy every moment as it comes and treasure all the memories as they are made.

I still wonder if she's really mine sometimes, I think how could I have created someone so beautiful. I never thought I could love anyone so much!